How To Make A Cafe Curtain In Four Short Months, And Other Domestic Tips

Well Friends, Behold the fruits of my labor!

I used Martha's instructions to tackle this project for my dining room window, and four months later, voila! Easy Peasy. In fact, I realized that if I paid myself a fair wage for constructing this curtain, it would have cost me only $100! And that's not even including sewing supplies and fabric. Boy am I proud. The best part is I was able to sew it while Ceci was napping. Well,  she was mostly screaming in her crib, but I like to call that napping. At times I considered going into her room and comforting her, but my heart told me I should finish the curtain. What kind of Mother would I be if I gave up on every little project just because she's crying? She cries all the time, she's a baby for christsakes. Besides, someday she will pass the curtain down to HER children. And they will pass it down to THEIR children. It's basically an heirloom already.
Here's a close up so you can see the fine handwork that went into this product.

Impressive. I know. I'm going to make one for Ceci's room next. The window in her room is twice as large so I think this next curtain will take seven or eight months to complete. But it's worth it. Anything for my precious one.

In other household news, I've discovered the secret to a clean house! Once something gets dirty, I throw it away. Seriously, I finally have a clean house and it feels so good. Sure, I might have to purchase some essential kitchen items and whatnot soon to replace the things I've thrown out. But it's worth it! By not cleaning I've opened up so much time in my schedule for drinking white wine, sewing cafe curtains, self-grooming, and trying Halloween costumes on the baby. It's a win win. We're all happy here. 

Cheers!

Cake and Martha, Again.

My friend's birthday is creeping up and once again I'm in cake brainstorming mode. Lord I love cake. Look at what I ran across on Martha Stewart's site!

Lovely and amazing? Yes, of course. But isn't it also just a little... creepy? This is basically  a princess party cake, but for grownups. And according to Martha this cake is inspired by.... wait for it.... ruffled tap pants. Jesus. I try Martha. I try to understand you and Gawd knows I've defended you against the haters. But it's time to lay down the pipe, and retire the tutu and tap shoes for good. You're no Ginger Rogers,  or a princess and neither am I. Also, the Ruffle Tower Cake recipe doesn't bother to mention flavor or  taste, it just stands there, defiantly tall and ruffley. If you need further proof of Martha's impending break with reality check out this monstrosity of a birthday cake.
I welcome any and all cake suggestions this week and Martha- if you're reading, call me. I can be your stay-at-home nurse. We can take psychotropic meds together and ride horses at midnight.


In baby news, my child has successfully replaced me with a breast-shaped toy. I wish you could see the way she goes to town on this thing. Mommy who?

She also has a Bumbo chair. 

So, as the person who suckles her and props her upright, I am now redundant. Who knew it would happen so soon? *weeping*

Anyway moving on. Those of you who know me in RL (that's "real life" for those who are not as sadly geeky as me) have heard of my impending trip to Hawaii. Hawaii Hawaii Hawaii. I think and talk of nothing else. That's right Mother Truckers, Hawaii. Let me know what you think of this swimsuit. I'm not prepared to wear my bikini five months postpartum. I'm no celebrity with my post-baby body looking bodacious. No way. I have wobbly bits where wobbly bits do not belong. Luckily, I truly like the retro swimsuit look.

That is all for now. Have a great week my friends. 

Martha, You Sassy Wench

If you told me ten years ago I would be reading Martha Stewart's website and cooking her recipes, I would have laughed hard enough to choke on my bong. But here I am, thirty-four years old, happily cooking Martha's food while my husband tickles the baby in the next room. And this sausage tomato risotto is good. Like, really really good. It's good enough that Matthew reluctantly admitted that Martha has some tricks up her sleeve.

Frankly, I'm not sure why he has a grudge against Martha, because I cooked Martha- inspired fish tacos for him on our second date, and he loved that shit. I just tried to find that recipe on her site, but it wasn't there so here's my copy-

And yes, it is written on a beer-stained bar coaster. So what.
I like Martha, she inspires people who don't craft or cook to craft and cook, and that is cool. Maybe someday there will be a "Julie and Julia" type movie about her. Except it would have to be a bit freaky just like Martha. And I'm not talking about tax evasion or whatever. I read an article about her after she was released from prison, and she told the reporter that everything in her country house is black and white, including her animals. She admitted that she never let her black horses out in the light of day, because the sun might bleach their coats to red, and then THEY WOULD NOT MATCH HER HOUSE. Holy Moses. It's hard not to picture wine-drunk Martha, riding her horse through the dark Connecticut night, laughing as her mom hair blows in the wind.