Thursday, January 27, 2011

Nervous Anticipation

Sometimes I look at my daughter's face and I catch myself in a terrible thought- 
"No one has hurt her yet".
No one has ever hurt this girl with their words, hands, actions, or even indifference. It's funny but sometimes indifference hurts the worst of all. 
She lives in a world made entirely of love and security. This moment, it feels so fleeting and fragile that it scares me to death. When I look at her I feel a great nervous heartbeat in my stomach. It's like a bird's frantic wings are beating in there. 
I don't want these great, heaving bouts of anticipation to floor me. But they do almost every day. It has everything to do with me and who I am. I want to trust the world to treat her gently, but I know it won't. It upsets me, and I'm not sure what to do about it, because I want her to love the world, in all it's painful glory. I want her to love it all.

1 comment:

  1. i had that exact feeling when jasper was so small. i even went so far as to feel that way for ALL the little babies in the world. something happens though as they get bigger and older and more ornery and cantankerous. i don't want to say that you will be desensitized, because i'm still a crying mess on a regular basis, just that you will eventually be able to tolerate the idea of your baby receiving an insult or stubbing her toe. i even yell at my kid now. which i could not have imagined when he was an infant. but now? whoa nellie. but really, the thought of anyone causing even a moments unpleasantness to that little girl makes me want to cry too.


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